Fruitful: I'm Terrified


noun\ˈter-ər, ˈte-rər\
: a very strong feeling of fear
: something that causes very strong feelings of fear : something that is terrifying

All new parents say they're terrified.  I would think it's a pretty standard feeling.  It's hyperbole, though, as it's really more being scared.  Real terror would prevent you from being able to function.

But there are moments when, for probably no more than one, maybe two seconds, I feel pure terror.  Seriously, it's all encompassing and I feel like the world is ending.  It's a feeling I've never had before.

Fortunately, it goes away quickly.  And, so far, it happens rarely, but I have feeling that will change the closer we get to our son's arrival.

A woman I work with, who just had twins (and already had a daughter), told me that the terror goes away when your kid is born, not because it's any less scary, but because you don't have time to think about it.  Once you're in it, you're in it, and you're holding on for dear life.  You're not, for example, sitting at your desk at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday, drinking Scotch, listening to Fugazi, and blogging about how scared you are.  No, you are doing whatever you can to prevent your wife from completely losing it because she has to feed this kid every 2-3 hours, and thus never sleeps more than two hours at a time, and that's if she's lucky.

There's something very comforting about that.  I like the idea that we're going to be thrown in the deep end and forced to swim, because it means I'll no longer be standing at the edge of the pool, waiting for my turn.  Sure, I might drown this way, but at least I'll be given the chance to swim.  At least I'll actually be able to do something, to take my fate into my own hands.

I will still find time to be terrified, though.  I know I will.  It's how I work.

Oddly enough, there's a part of me that's also looking forward to the sleep deprivation.  There's something
This is what's in the deep end.
comforting about running on only a few hours of sleep.  I know it makes most people more irritable (something Nicole is worried about), but it tends to make me relax.  Sometimes it's good for me to be a zombie.  I'm so often a neurotic spazz that cutting off that power supply is not necessarily a bad thing.

Anyway, I'm not currently sleep deprived (not much, at least) and I'm not currently in the deep end, which means I have all the time in the world to be terrified.  We're at that point (we've been there for a week now, really) where Nicole could go into labor at any time.  In fact, I think in one of our classes we learned that 39 weeks was totally fine for birth -- that last week is just extra.

That is terrifying.  At any given moment, it could be go time.  Any day now, our lives will change completely.  It's just out there, hanging over our heads, waiting to envelope us, and we're supposed to just keep on like usual.

It's freaking me out just writing this.

Week 39!!