Fruitful: Don't F This Up

As I sat in the Best Chairs Tryp Recliner Glider at Buy Buy Baby, waiting for Nicole to finish comparing mattresses, I started to worry about fucking this whole thing up.

Did you know you can't put blankets in a crib with a baby?  I learned that a few months ago.  That is basic information and I lacked it until months after Nicole was already pregnant.

It's terrifying.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will spend those first few days at home just sitting in whatever room our son is in, listening and watching him (hopefully) sleep.  I will be on alert, or as on alert as my sleep deprivation will allow.  I am going to be that parent.  I am going to play through nightmare scenarios in my head and I'm going to prepare for them.  I'm going to count out the rhythm of his breathing.

I know I will do these things, and I know I will do them in addition to all the other crazy things that I have to do, the crazy things that are actually real, the crazy things I don't even know about yet.

Babies cry.  They cry when they want something, they cry when they don't, they cry because crying is a thing that babies do.  They cry because they can't tell you what is going on, so you have try to fix everything that could possibly be wrong and hope that it doesn't take an hour to finally hit on it.

I worry.  I worry about my son's safety and his health and I worry about my ability to take care of him because it seems overwhelming.  I think about the fact that people have been doing this for centuries and that it will be okay, but then I worry because I don't want it to just be okay, I want it to be great.

I worry that Nicole is going to have some supernatural, earth mother power to take care of our son and I will
Found HERE
fail to hold up my end, because I'm a dude who hasn't carried this kid for nine months so I don't have the preternatural connection.  I worry that I will get up in the middle of the night to comfort him and he'll have none of it, and he'll scream his little head off until mom crawls out of bed and rocks him to sleep.  I worry that Nicole will have to carry the bulk of the burden.

I know that I probably won't make any major mistakes.  I know that there are people in this world even less qualified than me having kids.  I know that I will get a never ending stream of advice -- both good and bad -- from an incredible group of family and friends.  I know that I have a partner who will always have my back, and who will always help me do my best.

But I'm still worried about fucking this up.

Because I can't.  Because it is the single most important thing that I will ever do.  Because this matters.

And, in the end, that's exactly why I don't think I will fuck this up.

But I still worry.

Week 29!!