When this goes out, she will be 15 weeks and one day along. As of right now, the only changes in our life have been a regular stream of doctor's appointments and Nicole's lack of energy. The people who do know are very excited for us, which is nice. I'm still a ball of nerves, as I can't believe that this is truly going to work out until I'm holding that kid in my arms or, more realistically, until he's ready for pre-school.
Oh, yeah, I said "he." It's a boy.
Consciously, not much has changed for me. I'm excited to have a kid, although a bit concerned that it's a son. I know about fathers and sons and that's fine, but there's a part of me that would have liked to have tried something different.
Subconsciously, I'm regressing. I'm focused on writing and reading and playing video games and I'm annoyed by anything that stops me from doing those things. As Nicole has suggested, I'm probably doing these things because I know that, in six months, I won't have the time.
I get like this every autumn, too, as we approach my birthday, but apparently I'm getting an early start. It's like I have an expiration date on being irresponsible. My savings account of free time is close to running dry.
The video games will be the first to go, I have no doubt. My reading habits will become more selective -- no more reading shitty comics out of morbid curiosity. The writing I will squeeze in when I can; I'll probably have to get the hang of writing sober.
Nicole has been amazing through all of this. The road to pregnancy for us has been a long, twisted one, and perhaps some day I'll go into greater detail (theoretically in a book). But it hasn't been easy for her. She's managed to come through the first trimester with no morning sickness, but the hormones have played crazy with her emotions.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to the focus that having a kid will give me. My sophomore English teacher Mr.s Reith (who sent me a very nice e-mail after my book was published that I never responded to) once told my parents that I was very talented, but unfocused. And while I feel myself become more focused as I get older, I'm still off the mark. I expect a certain amount of clarity to come with having a child.
Right now, though, I'm too anxious to indulge in too much thought. Everyone keeps saying how well it's going. The doctors are all positive. Nicole feels great. Everyone is just so positive about this that it makes me nervous. I'm not sure at what point I'll be able to relax. I know, never, because when you have kids you can never relax, but I'm just talking about accepting the fact that we are, in fact, having a kid.
I can't wait to meet my son. I know Nicole, can't either. These next 25 weeks are going to take forever.