Where Is My Mind?

The other day at work one of my co-workers asked me a question that amounted to "Is it hard being a creative person and doing a job that requires very little creativity?"

A fair question, really.

The strange thing is that just a few hours later, another co-worker, who hadn't been privy to that conversation, asked me more or less the same thing, although she seemed to phrase it more along the lines of "why are you doing this instead of something creative?"

Again, a totally fair question.

I like my current job well enough.  It's obviously not my dream job, as that would be writing for a living, but how many people actually have their dream job?  But I like the people I work with and I like that I'm learning a lot and I'm happy that I'm no longer as completely in the dark as I was when I started.

And there is a bit of creativity involved.  At the very least, I'm forced to at least creatively problem solve.

But what was my response to these two co-workers?

It basically amounted to "I exercise the creative part of my brain at night when I write."  This was to say that it was fine with me that I wasn't flexing that particular muscle during the day as it would get plenty of exercise after work.

Part of my difficulty in really answering the question is that I have a hard time when people refer to me as things like "creative."  I suppose it's part of the self-doubt that so-called "creative" people have, particularly those who don't actually make a living on what they create.  I don't think I really consider myself more creative than anyone else.  Weirder, sure.  Prone to think about seventeen things in the span of a minute, sure.  But more creative?  It's a hard label for me to accept.

These questions from my co-workers are not unusual.  At every job I've ever had, people have made comments to me about how I'm just there temporarily, about how I'll soon be moving on to something better, something more in line with my abilities.  I've always been amazed by this because it's not like I really share my work with many people.  I don't know why anyone would think I'm destined for better things.

I don't mean to sound like I have no back bone.  I realize that I have certain capabilities that would suggest that I can do a fair amount with my life.  But I also feel like I'm a jack of all trades and master of none.  I'm an above average everything, but not so far above average that I really stand out.

Fuck me, this entry has gotten really depressing!  I don't mean to suggest that I don't think I'm awesome because I do, in fact, think I'm awesome.  Maybe that's it, then: I'm just surprised that other people think I'm awesome, too.

I just kind of wish that all these things that other people see in my future would show up already.