Damn This Inebriated Brain One: Fantasy Sports

I am a huge dork. I'm such a huge dork that I married a huge dork. Look through my closet of comic books, scan our DVDs, peruse our books, and you will see that I am one bad day away from joining a LARP group, and that my wife is only marginally less nerdy. I am so dorky that this "geek chic" thing doesn't even apply to me. Still, there's something to be said for the fact that I run into Tyrese Gibson and Famke Jensen at my local comic book store.

But if geeks became cool, then that creates a vacuum, and we all know that nature abhors such things. Clearly, something must replace your every day basement dwelling, role playing, comic book reading, sci-fi obsessed geek in the social hierarchy. But what could that be?

Let's look at the qualifications needed.

1) Dudes only. Before comics got cool, it was a boys only club (with a few random exceptions to said rule). Now a days, we let also sorts of people read comics -- not just girls, but minorities and gays! It's crazy! How can we be sheltered if we're being all equal about it.

2) Obsession. Yes, if you're going to fill the geek void you need to be completely obsessed with whatever it is you're in to. Thor vs. Superman? You need to debate something like that for HOURS. And all of your debates should be hypothetical, as they will never really happen. You should also be plugged in to all sources of information. Your browser bookmarks should be filled with pages dedicated to up to the minute reports on the latest news. New D&D module? You're on it. Spider-man made a deal with the devil? You knew it before it even happened.

3) Obscure Knowledge. Total recall of ridiculous stats helps. Do you know what happened in Captain America #245? Do you know what you have to roll to save vs. poison when fighting a green dragon? You need to have the ability remember these numbers at the drop of a hat. It should be second nature to you.

4) Cult Like Organization. Nothing says "geek" like belonging to some ridiculous group. It could be virtual -- World of Warcraft is perfect. It could be face to face, like say those dudes you hang out with at the comic book store and talk about the latest sweet crossover. It could even be a hybrid of the two, like your specially formed Halo group, who have never met, but actually speak to each other through headsets. Meetings of some sort or another are essential.

5) Distraction. Boy, do I love me some comic books. You know what my favorite thing about comics is? They have fuck all to do with my real life. Hell, I played D&D in study hall in high school, for god's sake, because why sit in study hall when you can be fighting orcs? To truly fill the "geek" void, this new thing must have no real value to the world aside from distracting you from your real life.

With all that, ladies and gentlemen, I give you fantasy sports. The geeks have moved out of their basements and are now living in Hollywood and making movies and they have been replaced by dudes in jerseys with other people's names on them. The dragon figurines are gone, replaced by dry erase boards for drafts. The comics have been replaced by fantasy guides and that bootleg copy of Akira has been replaced by ESPN. But it still smells like ass down there.

So I raise a glass to you, the nerdiest of the nerdy, the chicken head biting champions of the new American social hierarchy, those so desperate to be multi-million dollar athletes, the same way that we were once so desperate to be Batman or Wolverine. Even though ESPN embraces you and has a really dorky looking guy give you "updates" every hour, we all look down upon you. But while your wives and girlfriends might do so with concern, the rest of us do so with empathy, for we know your plight.

Sadly, I don't see Hollywood knocking any time soon, so try to find some comfortable couches; you could be down here awhile.