I feel like I'm not allowed to miss Los Angeles. This feeling comes from a number of different sources.
The first and, as always, most prominent, is self-inflicted. Moving up north was a fairly monumental decision, one which I thought I understood at the time, but which I really didn't. This was one of those moments in life where everything changes; it was a crossroads, if you will. I made my decision and I stand by it.
The problem is that I feel like if I miss Los Angeles, I'm undermining the choice I made. It's as if I'm trying to be strong and admitting I sometimes wish I was back in SoCal is showing weakness. And perhaps there's a part of me that worries about what will happen if I let myself miss the life I had in the city I called home for nine years. My over active brain will take that opening and run with it, and introduce the idea that maybe, just maybe, I'm regretting my decision.
Because I have an amazing ability to convince myself of pretty much anything, regardless of whether it's true or not.
In this respect, Nicole is only a minor player. I will admit that I feel like talking about missing Los Angeles will make her think that she's forced me into this move, when it was actually my idea. I know she's having a hard time with it herself, but my wife is much less insane than I am. She also has the very normal ability to process her emotions in reasonable ways, whereas I just bottle them up until I explode, and in the meantime I act moody and weird (or weirder than usual).
And everyone seems to think I should love Northern California. Part of that is that they want me to be happy and they want me to embrace my new life up here, and I appreciate that. I like Northern California a lot. In fact, I actually wanted to move here instead of Los Angeles originally, but fate had other ideas.
Digression: A few weeks ago we had a party here at the house for Nicole's brother. He invited some of his friends over and we cooked out, etc. It turned out that almost all of them had lived in Southern California at some point, and some of them had lived up here, down there, up here, down there, and so on. I mentioned how interesting it was that so many people seem to go back and forth like that.
One of my brother-in-law's friends mentioned that he thought it would be weird at first, moving to SoCal from NorCal, because of the rivalry between the two parts of California. I had no idea that there was such a thing, which wasn't surprising, as he said that he discovered that no one in SoCal is even aware of this rivalry -- it's entirely one sided.
It understandable, of course. San Francisco is a great city, yes, but it doesn't get nearly the amount of air time as Los Angeles. It's almost always warm down there. They have celebrities. You can drive to Vegas. No one ever seems to get older in that town. I could see how that would rub some people the wrong way.
I don't really look at it that way. For me, it's just that Los Angeles was home, and NorCal isn't...yet.
I'm looking forward to the day when I'm more settled in here, when I feel like it is my home. I'm sure that will happen soon enough. In the meantime, I'll have to find a way to get over Los Angeles. Based upon my life experiences, the way I get over a break-up is by drinking a lot and then finding someone new.
I'm looking at you, NorCal.